I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
