he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
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She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
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He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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