Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
