he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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