JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
