I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
