matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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