Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
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I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
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Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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