i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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