What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
