I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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