Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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