Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
