we have pet lesbian snakes
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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