He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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