She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
