the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize