Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
