I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
