I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.