but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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