Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
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She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
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But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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