Michael Bay diarrhea
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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