did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
