I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
