My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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