Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
