my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize