IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
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Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
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I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.