Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
