Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
