About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
