What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
