I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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