My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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