if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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