Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
