I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
