Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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