Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
