he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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