new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
