I love black thongs
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
