where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
