I feel like I'm in dance class right now
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
