He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
