Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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