I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
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I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
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I just had sex on a roof
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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