I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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