so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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