I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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