Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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