my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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