well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
