hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
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