Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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