dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
