zippers are such a cool invention
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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