there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
