I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
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For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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