So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
