Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
