i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
