On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
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